History without the bori.., p.1
History Without the Boring Bits, page 1
New York • London
© 2012 by Ian Crofton
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Contents
The Ancient World
The Middle Ages
The 16th Century
The 17th Century
The 18th Century
The 19th Century
From 1900 to the Present
The Ancient World
The Emperor Caligula’s floating palace on Lake Nemi, near Rome.
75 million years ago
Galactic Tyrant Peoples Earth
According to the doctrines of Scientology, the galactic tyrant Xenu kidnapped hundreds of billions of individuals from other parts of the galaxy and sent them to planet Earth to be exterminated. They arrived by craft that looked like Douglas DC-8s, but which were in fact powered by rockets. The exiles were then exposed to thermonuclear explosions, prior to being brainwashed by a 36-day-long 3-D movie into believing that they were at the same time Jesus, God and the Devil. The victims subsequently parasitized human bodies, and can apparently only be removed by advanced Scientological techniques.
4004 BC
The Day of Creation
The date of Creation, according to James Ussher, Protestant archbishop of Armagh, in his 1650 work, Annales veteris testamenti, a prima mundi origine deducti (“Annals of the Old Testament, deduced from the first origins of the world”). More precisely, Ussher calculated—on the basis of his interpretation of biblical texts—that the Earth had been brought into being on the evening preceding October 23, 4004 BC. It turns out that the Earth is nearly a million times older than Ussher suggested.
616 BC
Burial Alive
Tarquinius Priscus became king of Rome. It was Tarquinius who instituted the traditional punishment for any Vestal Virgin who lost her virginity. The unfortunate woman was walled up alive in an underground chamber called the Campus Scleratus, and was sometimes supplied with food and water to prolong her slow death. Until the abolition of the Vestal Virgins in AD 391, some 22 Vestal Virgins appear to have suffered either immuration or burial alive.
532 BC
Leader Goes to War in Middle East Having Deliberately Misinterpreted the Intelligence
King Croesus of Lydia asked the Delphic Oracle if the signs were propitious for an attack on the Persian Empire. The Pythoness—the priestess of the Oracle—pronounced that “If Croesus crosses the River Halys, a great empire shall be destroyed.” Insensitive to any ambiguity in this prophecy, Croesus attacked—and his army was utterly annihilated. The Oracle’s pronouncement on this occasion was a model of clarity, compared to the usual wild ramblings that came from the Pythoness—whose trances may have been caused by natural emanations of methane, ethanol and carbon dioxide in her cave.
525 BC
On the Relative Puniness of Persian vs. Egyptian Skulls
At the decisive Battle of Pelusium, near Port Said, the Persians under Cambyses II defeated the Egyptians, and went on to conquer the country. In the 5th century, the Greek historian Herodotus visited the site and found the remains of the fallen still scattered across the battlefield. In the interests of impartial investigation, he noted that if you threw a pebble at a Persian skull it would make a hole in it, while even if you struck an Egyptian skull with a rock, “you will scarcely break it in.” He ascribed the difference to the Egyptian practice of shaving the head from infancy, while the Persians covered theirs with folds of cloth.
Army Disappears in Desert
After his conquest of Egypt, Cambyses sent an army to the Siwa Oasis in Egypt’s Western Desert, perhaps to persuade the Oracle of Amun to recognize his rule. But the 50,000 men never reached their destination, being overwhelmed, according to Herodotus, by a sandstorm. Exactly 2525 years later, geologists from Helwan University, prospecting for petroleum, found themselves among sand dunes littered with fragments of textiles and weapons, and the bleached bones of men who may once have belonged to the Lost Army of Cambyses.
circa 456 BC
Tortoise Slays Playwright
The Greek dramatist Aeschylus died when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his bald head.
circa 434 BC
Sun Larger than the Peloponnese, Argues Greek Philosopher
The Greek philosopher Anaxagoras was exiled from Athens for denying the divine nature of heavenly bodies. He asserted that the Sun was a great disk of blazing metal larger than the Peloponnese, and that the planets were lumps of rock torn from the Earth and set on fire by the rapidity of their rotation.
circa 430 BC
Volcanic Suicides
The Greek philosopher Empedocles died by throwing himself into the active crater of Mount Etna. His intention had been that people should believe—in the absence of his body—that he had ascended to heaven as a god. His ruse was foiled when the volcano spewed forth one of his bronze sandals. The fate of Empedocles may have inspired the American tourist who, in 1859—having received unhappy news from home—threw himself into a lava flow on the flank of Vesuvius and was instantly incinerated.
415 BC
The Case of the Missing Penises
(May) The Greek general Alcibiades was accused of knocking the phalli off all the hermai in Athens, a scandalously sacrilegious act. Hermai were pillars set up outside houses adorned with male genitals and topped with a head of the god Hermes (supposedly the inventor of masturbation). Alicibiades, who set off on an expedition against Syracuse shortly afterward, was sentenced to death in his absence.
390 BC
Geese Save Rome
The sacred geese on the Capitoline Hill in Rome saved the city by making such a noise as the besieging Gauls attempted a covert night attack that the guards were roused and repelled the invaders.
circa 350 BC
Philosopher Urinates on Diners
The Greek philosopher Diogenes, disdaining the social niceties, lived like a dog—naked, scratching and defecating in the street—so earning the nickname “the Dog” (Greek kuon—thus his followers became known as the Cynics, from the Greek kunikos). The citizens of Athens indulged Diogenes’ foibles, even throwing bones to him at a banquet. He showed his gratitude by urinating on their legs.
346 BC
If …
Having conquered much of the rest of Greece, Philip II of Macedon sent a message to the Spartans: “You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city.” They sent a one-word reply: “If.” Their boldness paid off: Philip left them alone.
334 BC
Outwitting Alexander
Alexander the Great crossed the Dardanelles to begin his conquest of the Persian Empire. He was accompanied by one of his favorites, the rhetorician Anaximenes. Anxious to save his native city of Lampascus from destruction, Anaximenes asked for an audience with Alexander. Anticipating his request, Alexander swore an oath that he would deny Anaximenes’ request. The cunning Anaximenes then spoke: “My lord,” he said, “I have only come to beg you to destroy Lampascus.” Alexander had no other choice but to honor his oath and spare the city.
331 BC
Guided by Crows
According to the contemporary historian Callisthenes of Olynthus, Alexander’s army was guided through a desert by a flock of crows. The birds would fly ahead as the men followed them, or wait for them if they tarried. Even at night the crows called out to show the way.
274 BC
King Killed by Roof Tile
King Pyrrhus of Epirus was killed during the Siege of Argos when a poor old woman taking refuge on a roof threw down a tile onto his head. She was displeased at the way the king was setting upon her son, a man, according to Plutarch, “of mean condition.” The tile hit Pyrrhus’s helmet, which would have saved him had not it then ricocheted onto his neck, fatally fracturing his spinal column.
213 BC
Archimedes’ Death Ray
During the Roman siege of Syracuse, Archimedes is said to have used arrays of polished shields to focus the sun’s rays onto the Roman ships, so setting them alight.
210 BC
The Rotting Emperor and the Putrid Fish
The first Chinese emperor, Shi Huangdi, died while searching for the Islands of the Immortals off the east coast of China. His chief minister, Li Si, was worried that if the imperial death became common knowledge there would very likely be a popular rebellion, so brutal and oppressive had been the emperor
184 BC
Snake Bombs
While leading the Bithynians in a sea battle against the Pergamenes, the exiled Hannibal ordered his men to throw clay pots filled with snakes into the enemy galleys. The enemy, thus thrown into confusion, were readily defeated.
80 BC
The First Computer?
A cargo ship sank off the tiny Greek island of Antikythera, taking to the bottom the so-called Antikythera mechanism, recovered by sponge divers in 1904. The device, a complex assemblage of cogs, wheels and dials, is thought by some to be the first analog computer, and was probably used to map the motions of the sun, moon and planets.
71 BC
Romans Crucify 6000 Slaves
After the defeat of Spartacus’s slave revolt, the Appian Way was lined from Capua to Rome (a distance of more than 100 miles) with the crucified bodies of some 6000 captured rebels. Their decaying corpses were left in place for many years.
41 BC
The Most Expensive Banquet in History?
When Mark Antony first met Cleopatra, at Tarsus in modern-day Turkey, their political discussions were lubricated with feast after feast. Indeed Cleopatra wagered Mark Antony that she would lay on the most expensive banquet in history. The next evening, as the banquet neared its end, Mark Antony observed that, though impressive, the meal had been no more lavish than the previous ones. At this Cleopatra took off one of her pearl earrings, extracted a huge pearl, ground it up and dissolved it in wine vinegar, then drank it down. The bet was won.
2 BC
Roman Family Values
Julia, the daughter of the emperor Augustus and wife of his heir Tiberius, shocked Rome and her father by her adulteries and participation in late-night drinking parties in the Forum. She was even said to have put her favors up for sale, and when asked how all her children resembled her husband, explained that she “only took on new passengers when the boat was already full.” Augustus, who (despite his own infidelities) was determined to uphold family values, exiled his daughter to the tiny volcanic island of Pandataria (modern Ventotene), and forbade her wine and the company of men. Any visitors had to be approved by the emperor, who required details of their stature, complexion and any marks or scars on their body. Julia was allowed to return after five years, but when Tiberius became emperor he confined her to a single room, and may have had her starved to death.
AD 26
A Love of Animals
The emperor Tiberius retreated to Capri, never again to return to Rome. On the island he abandoned himself to vice, indulging, it is said, not only his taste for children, but also goats, donkeys and camels.
AD 31
Brutal Logic
(October 18) The prefect of the Praetorian Guard, Lucius Aelius Sejanus—who had created a reign of terror in Rome and seduced Livilla, Tiberius’s daughter-in-law—was executed for plotting against the emperor. First he was strangled, and then his body was thrown to the mob, who tore it to pieces. Sejanus’s three children were likewise put to death, the young girl first being debauched by the public executioner, it being contrary to Roman law to kill a virgin.
AD 37
An Incestuous Emperor
Caligula became Roman emperor, despite the prediction of an astrologer that he had no more chance of donning the purple than of riding a horse across the Gulf of Baiae. To show his contempt for this prophecy, Caligula had a pontoon bridge comprising scores of ships built across the Gulf, and proceeded to ride across wearing the breastplate of Alexander the Great.
Caligula turned out to be a mad and depraved despot, who slept with his sisters (and anyone else—of either sex—who caught his fancy), made it an offense for anyone to look at him (he was sensitive about his thinning pate and copious body hair), devised new methods of torture (such as covering the victim with honey, and letting loose a swarm of wasps), and (according to one story) appointed his favorite horse, Incitatus, to the consulship. Another story has it that when his sister Drusilla became pregnant by him, he was so impatient to see his child that he had it ripped from Drusilla’s womb. Whether or not this story is true, Drusilla certainly died, whereupon Caligula declared her to be a goddess.
In AD 41 (January 24) Caligula was fatally stabbed in the genitals by two of his guards, whom he had humiliated. They went on to kill his wife, and smashed his baby daughter’s head against a wall.
The emperor Caligula fed his favorite horse, Incitatus, at his table from golden dishes. It was said that he also appointed Incitatus to the consulship, which had been the most senior position in the ancient Republic.
circa AD 40
Seneca and the Armpit Plucker
The Roman playwright Lucius Annaeus Seneca, a noted stoic, found himself bereft of his philosophy when faced with the noises from the bath house next door to his lodgings. One might think of Roman baths as places of ease and quiet content, but in a letter Seneca tells a different story. “Conjure up in your imagination,” he told Lucilius, his correspondent, “all the sounds that make one hate one’s ears.” Among these he numbered the grunts of the weightlifters, the slaps of the masseurs, the shouts of the ball-players and the cries of various vendors. Shrillest of all were the shrieks of that most specialized of craftsmen, the armpit plucker, who never desisted from his caterwauling except, according to Seneca, “when he’s doing his job and making someone else shriek for him.”
circa AD 43
Legalization of Flatulence
The emperor Claudius, worried that holding in flatulence might be injurious to health, passed a law permitting the unleashing of intestinal gases at banquets.
circa AD 50
Sow’s Womb and Mackerel Guts
By the 1st century AD, only one in ten people in Rome had access to a hearth where they could cook—so the purveyors of takeaway food did a roaring trade. For the wealthy who dined at home, popular items included roast dormouse, kale cooked in saltpeter, and sow’s womb (served with or without udders). Spattered over everything was a ubiquitous fish sauce called garum, made from slow-cooked mackerel guts (production of the pungent, salty sauce within the city was prohibited on account of the stench). A dish for special occasions was the porcus troianus (“Trojan pig”), a whole roasted pig stuffed with fruit and sausages. Brought to the table standing on its legs, its belly was then cut open, letting spill the sausages as if they were the animal’s entrails. By this time the earlier fashion of allowing one’s fish to expire at table (preferably in a sauce) had gone out of favor.
The Body in the Bog
In 1984 the well-preserved body of a man was found in a peat bog at Lindow Moss in Cheshire. At first it was thought he might have been the victim of a recent murder, but carbon dating placed his death at sometime between 2 BC and AD 119. The man, thought to have been an ancient British nobleman from the care with which his hair and nails were trimmed, had suffered three blows to the head, a cut throat and strangulation by means of a knotted cord. He may have been the victim of a ritual execution, or just possibly a human sacrifice.
